Funny Poker Jokes
27 Jul
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Not all jokes are meant for kids, that is why we have specifically listed these jokes for adults. Just make sure the kids are not around while you go through them. But of course the jokes are very funny, so you might not be able to control your laughter. These nuggets of gold were diligently sourced for and not just randomly picked. My son made me a rather lovely Fathers’ Day card for last weekend, so here is a page of card jokes. Don’t expect them to be overly original or funny A friend’s car broke down between the harbour and Birthdays. He’s stuck between a dock and a card place. There’s a problem on my doner card record of my blood group.
There is nothing quite like being around a poker table for funny or surreal moments. The worst incident I can remember witnessing was when a player tried to fight with the dealer who, when push came to shove (and it almost did!), was not totally against the idea of fighting it out. Most of the time though, things are more cordial, and clever quips and banter which are taken as a joke rather than an act of war, are the extent of the action apart from the poker itself.
Picking out my favorite quips and one-liners I must start with Phil Hellmuth, that shy, retiring poker player who has a fantastic ability to be self-deprecating. Ok, so I’m being glib, he loves himself and is proud of his amazing achievements in poker. I love the guy and so does everyone else, but one of this best ever quotes was as follows, when he was struggling in a poker tournament.
If there was no luck involved, I would win every one.”
Brilliantly, he really believes that too. There are tons of Phil Hellmuth jokes around, here is my favorite one of the many out there:
What’s the difference between a God and Phil Hellmuth? God doesn’t think he’s a Phil Hellmuth!”
I also remember a quip made in a tournament when I played in at my local casino. In general, the play was not that great because the structure sucked and the prize pool was small. Two opponents battled it out in a hand that, from what I could see, neither played particularly badly. The hand was won and the player who lost was left frustrated. He turned to the rest of the table and came out with this gem.
This dude may as well turn up naked to a game of strip poker.”
Even the player he referred to laughed at this.
In the same game a player joined late, to the apparent surprise of the rest of the players who clearly knew him but had not seen him for some time. “I thought you’d stopped playing poker?” One asked. “No.” said the prodigal poker player. “I just took a break.” Another player said:
The returning player laughed:
I did,” he said, “but only to win the bet I had with one of the members there who laid me 5 to 1 that I wouldn't show up.”
I enjoyed that one too, so did the rest of the table.
I found a great joke from the legendary Benny Binion, who played out a successful career in poker at a time when robberies and cheating were commonplace. He is famous for saying:
It reminds me of the saying that in politics, if you want a friend, you should get a dog. Like me I’m sure you find most people very friendly at the poker tables. But always cut the cards, as Benny recommends.
Sometimes we hear a one-liner or a joke and wish that we invented it ourselves. Often we steal the joke anyway and I admit that on this occasion, different to the last game, I overheard this one-liner between two players who kept us entertained for hours with their back and forth verbal banter. The pick of the bunch was:
My wife has left me because I am a compulsive gambler. I’d do anything to win her back.”
Another great moment was during a local tournament that had dragged into the early hours of the morning. One of the players mobile phones starting ringing. He looked at his phone and said, “It’s the wife.” He answered the call. “Hello? (Pause) Yes, I’m still here. (Pause) It’s 2.00am. (Longer pause) She’s gone.” He put his phone away. Thinking about the question she must have asked (i.e. What time do you call this?) we all admired his bravery in giving the actual time at which point she clearly hung up. When he busted he said “I’m off to face the music.” After he left, the remaining players commented on both his bravery and whether he would be able to get into the house when he arrived at home! It was probably bolted shut.
I cannot take credit for this one and perhaps this is for the best. I found this searching for funny poker stories online. It was posted in 2008 by 2+2 user “TheBeatlesWon”. Here it is!
“This actually happened at the table a couple years ago:
I was playing poker in the Casino Windsor poker room. The guy next to me just found out it was my 19th birthday. My sister (23 at the time) was also playing in the room, and she walked past my table to go to the bathroom right about the same time this guy found out it was my birthday.
Funny Poker Jokes
Guy: 'How'd you like for that to be your 19th birthday present?'
Me: 'That's my sister.' The whole table died for 10 mins, guy was incredibly embarrassed...hilarious.”
This reminds me of when two truck drivers (always male) are driving down the road and see an attractive young woman and one says “Wow, look at her.” The other says “That’s my daughter!” In a poker context that’s a great story and it actually happened too! Poor “TheBeatlesWon”.
I’ve seen this joke a few times but it reminds me of a time at the end of the tournament where one of the regulars in my local casino won a tournament and had a big cash win. There was a line of creditors that he owed money to wanting a piece of his winnings. Eventually everyone got something, I let them sort it out and stayed out of the way, but when all was said and done the winning player was left with little, if any, of his winnings.
Here is the story in joke form, it’s one of my favorites, supposedly when a WSOP winner is interviewed following capturing the treasured bracelet.
Journo: “What will you do with the winnings?
Pro: “I will pay off some creditors first.”
Journo: “Cool. What will you do with the rest?
Pro: “They will just have to wait!”
What’s your best one liner or funny poker story? Tell us below or on PokerTube’s Facebook page.
The mobile poker world never seems to stand still. And we’re thankful for that because this constant movement has allowed the game to churn out some very exciting advancements. So just what exactly have these advancements brought us recently? Well, there are three great developments that mobile poker apps now feature today, which we’ll discuss more in depth below.
Fast-Fold Mobile Poker
Several years ago, it didn’t seem like wireless poker would ever offer more than choppy gameplay on a single table. Then came multi-tabling, which was definitely nice for grinders who need more volume to make money. And now, we have fast-fold variants that cut out the waiting time in poker. As soon as you fold your hand, you are whisked away to another table with new cards. This means that there’s no time spent waiting on that annoying opponent who takes the whole clock to fold 2-7 under the gun.
Higher Stakes
Short Funny Poker Jokes
Many of us have seen news about poker sites beta testing their mobile poker apps at $0.01/$0.02 stakes, which is unimpressive to say the least. Luckily, most poker rooms have moved far beyond the early beta-testing phase and into an era where mid-stakes play is available. The end result is that you no longer have to toil away in the micro stakes if you’re looking for a bigger challenge and more profits.
More User-friendly Software
When online poker reached its peak around 2010, many poker room lobbies were cluttered with lots of buttons, games and table-selection features. The poker industry realized how these complications were turning the average player off so they began making sites more friendly for recreational players. This process has transitioned to mobile apps, where many sites are on a mission to ensure that their lobbies and tables are user friendly. So whether you’re an experienced grinder or just somebody who occasionally likes playing poker, you can appreciate these changes.
Like we said in the beginning, the mobile poker world doesn’t stand still. So you can expect to see even more exciting advances in the future.